After Einstein Bee - EB

In the summer of 2006, on june 22, I saw a drunken woman drop her baby and then I wacthed an episode on Oprah that was particulary good on july 11. On August 20 at 7:45, I arrive at Einstein Bee´s hotel an hour and fifteen minutes before his lecture is due to begin at the Pavillion of Thought. The desk cleark shoots me a look that suggests he might be interested in throwing his weight around. Rather than pass him, I take a seat in the lobby, pull out my journal, and light a cigarette, he gives me another look.

"My husband hates for me to smoke in the room", I say.
He says, "What ?"
I say, "My husband, he hates the smoke, so I´m just going to sit here for a moment before going up to our room".

The cleark said, "Fine, whatever", and turns his attention back to a little TV set.

I can´t believe that Einstein Bee or EB, as I call him, is staying here at the Adlon. It´s so ironic, so unlike Einstein. It´s perfect. I´d called every hotel in Berlin asking if they had an Einstein registered, but ofcourse they did´nt. We´re not talking about Mr. Small Press Nobody here. EB is EB, and he´s got to protect his privacy. I can understand that, I can respect that. I called around again asking if anyone had a guest by the name of Bee Bee, the name of all the characters in Einstein´s second novel. All the hotel clearks said no. They said, "What the hell kind of name is that ?". Really, I think Bee Bee would have been too obvious, so I tried again and again, thinking he might have registered under the name of one of the minor charcters in Stinging Ray. I finally found him here at The Adlon under the name of St. Oiber, the character who undergoes a needless colostomy in Magnetic Fields. EB is here in room 822.

How like EB to use an assumed name, and especialy here at The Adlon, where he´ll be rubbing elbows with every shallow middle- class cliché you´d never want to meet, the exact type of people he exposes in his novels. How like EB, how perfectly ironic! Ha-ha-ha!

8:04. I had really hoped to catch EB before he left for the reading, but since nobody answers his door I can only assume that the department of litteratur heads have him hog-tied at Andrea´s Butcher Block, one of the upscale slaughterhouses this town calls a restaurent. I can see it now: The principle and his spaniels are shoveling forkfuls of red meat while poor EB just sits there, tuning out their petty conversation and gagging at the site of the food on his plate. I think its pretty obvious that the Litteratur Department knows nothing about EB. They just see him as another feather in their cap, a name they can use to attract new students. It makes me sick. They fly him in for a few days, race him around University like a greyhound, and then bore him to death with their talk of funding cutbacks and Who´s Who on campus. I´ve been standing outside this door for the last twenty minutes, so I think it´s also very obvious that they´re herding EB straight from the restaurent to the Pavilion of Thought at Humboldt.

At first I was exited about tonight´s reading, but now I say forget it - if EB has been rusched around by these university types all day, then I know he´ll be too exhausted to express himself. I had a feeling this might happen, so I arranged for a few people to tape tonight´s reading at the Pavillion. Siri, if left to her own devices, can tend to get a little too artsy for her own good, so I got Walter as a backup. Deep down in his middleclass heart, Walter would just love to wear a jumsuit and boss people around. While I really hate his politics, I trust his overall skill much more than I trust Siri´s. She taped last years Auster lecture and keept the camera aimed at his feet the entire time, and he wasn´t dancing or anything!

Another reason for boycotting tonight´s lecture is that I don´t think I can sit back and watch while EB wastes his time reading to an audience of a thoudsand kids who can´t even begin to understand his work. The students began lining up outside the Pavillion hours ago. They´re holding EB´s book in one hand and some bullshit ecomomic text in the other, economics or political science or whatever it is they´re really interested in. Most of them had never even heard of EB before Stinging Ray, but they act as if they have been reading EB for ever. I want to confront them. I want to ask them where they were when EB was physically attacked after the release of Magnetic Fields. Where were they when EB needed support after the media trashed Bee Bee ? These kids all act like they understand EB and it makes me sick to hear their lame opinions on his work. This afternoon I overheard a girl telling her boyfriend that EB´s work mirrored the opression inherent in Western capitalist society. She read that off the dust jacket. She doesn´t know shit about EB. She was wearing clothes that EB would really hate. Here at University I am surrounded by jokes like her.

My head is still spinning from the reading EB gave in my master´s writing seminar this afternoon. I´d looked forward to some one-on-one contact, but the room was packed with people who aren´t even enrolled in the seminar. These kids weren´t writers, they were faked. But did the teacher ask them to leave ? Did Professor Nobody tell them that this was a class for serious writers ? Of course not. He makes his cowardice with this "We´re all here to learn" cheeriness that really makes me sick. It was perfect then when EB walked into the classroom. He saw all the copies of Milchmann on our desks and he picked up my copy and said, "Who´s making you read this shit ?". It was so perfect. Professor Nobody just stood there pretending he hadn´t heard EB´s remark. He just stood there and tucked in his shirt. He couldn´t even own up to it! I think EB hates Milchmann for the same reasons I do, because she´s a facist, a typical bourgeois racist, a judgemental Christian right-wing parrot, and a timid writer who relies on grammer to carry her through the page. I hate Milchmann, I really do!

EB´s reading was wonderful assertive. He read a few sections from Magnetic Fields, parts that I had practically memorized even through the book only came out last month. He never numbers his pages, but I was with him for a good quater at the beginning of the second part. I just mouthed the words while he read. I wasn´t doing it for the attention; it´s just a reflex action because I know his work, all of it, so well. After the reading, Professor Nobody opened the floor for questions, which was a mistake because it´s allways the stupidest people who ask the most questions. For example, one guy who´s not even in the writing seminar raised his hand and said, "I tried reading your third novel but gave up when I realized that all of the characters were going by the name Bee Bee. I found it confusing; I had a real problem with it". Ha-ha-ha! Right, he had a problem with it. EB was great. He just looked at this guy and said, "Well, if it´s giving you trouble, then I guess I´ll just have to rewrite it in simpler terms. I thought I might continue work on my new project, but if Bee Bee confuses you, then I guess it´s back to the drawing board". Everyone laughed but you could tell that they had problems with Bee Bee too. I didn´t laugh because I don´t have any problems with it. I have no problems with EB. Siri raised her hand and asked EB if he had grown up in Köln, which ofcourse he had. It´s right there in his writing, and besides, it says so on the back of all his books. EB answered her; he just said yes, but in a bored way that acknowledged the dumbness of the question. It really was a stupid question and I laughed when she asked it. I was the only one laughing, which simply proves how well I know EB´s life. He gave me a little glance, a little smile, when I laughed. I´ve spent a lot of time in Köln, and I´m often asked that same question myself. I wasn´t raised there, but I could have been.

The questions continued and were all incredibly stupid until I asked EB if the tall blond character in Magnetic Fields was based on his former girlfriend Casssandra Mitzi, the fashion model. I just wanted EB to realize that there are some of us who understand his life and work. My Kölner friend, Daniel Wexler had gone to University with Cassandra and he used to fill me in on a lot of details, like what a bitch she really is and how she uses people. Cassandra really put EB through the wringer over that phony abuse scandal. She´ll do anything for a media attention. She´s not even that pretty.

I asked the question, and EB looked at me with a lot of pain, a great deal of pain and anguish in his eyes, and said that Magnetic Fields was a work of fiction and that his inspirations were none of anyone´s buisness. A group of people laughed when he said that. I laughed too because I know that, on the surface, my questions sounded nosy, but I didn´t mean in that way. I realize it would have been impossible for him to open up and really talk about his work in that atmosphere, surrounded by so many people, who don´t know him the way I do. I can understand EB´s creative process and his life, and that´s why I really need to sit down and talk with him. I saw the pain in his eyes. I need to sit him down and let him know that I´m behind him one hundred percent.

After a few more questions, Professor Nobody asked EB where he saw this postmodern metafictional movement headed, and EB just picked up his books and papers and said, "Anywhere but here", and walked out of the room. He meant anywhere but the small world of academia, but it went right over everyone´s head, ha-ha! After he walked out, I picked up my shit and walked out too, but EB had already left the building. I havne´t been able to find him anywhere.

9:19. I´m sitting in the lounge of the Adlon, a grotesque bar ironically named Reflections, which erroneously suggets that I will see myself mirrored in this godforsaken place or any of its customers. I sit at a table, pull out my journal, and, when the waitress arrives, I order a screwdriver. The waitress acts shocked that a woman might order a beer and a shot rather than some frozen daiquiri product, and I shot her a look that sends her off toward a group of people she thinks might find her cute.

EB´s reading is starting right at this moment. I can sense it. I think it´s very appropraite, very revealing that right now he is standing before an audience of people who don´t understand him, and at the same time I´m sitting in this bar full of people who, I am certain, have no hope of ever knowing or understanding me. It´s a lonely feeling, but rather be alone than stoop to a lower level of understanding. The waitress brings me my shot and my beer. She acts as though I´m spoiling all her fun. Whatever fun she might have working in a place like this, leading her dull, unexcamined life, she is more than welcome to. She can have it. The customers are all looking at me the same way. They can´t deal with anyone who isn´t into their Mr and Mrs Jovial scene, with someone who takes a hard look at the crumbling building blocks that are the foundation for their wasted lives. With someone like me.

This godforsaken place reminds me of the bar EB depicted in Magnetic Fields, except the people are fully dressed and they´re not drinking out of cans. The waitress returns and I order another screwdriver.

10:20. I´ve been standing in the hallway outside EB´s hotel room for the last half-hour rereading my favorite passages of Magnetic Fields and Bee Bee. His lecture must have ended by now, and I fear they are holding him hostage with another mindless question-and-answer session. My God, how much to they expect him to take ?!

He looked so tired when I saw him this afternoon before my masters´s class. I´d left my desk and was on my way to the bathroom when I passed him in the hall. It was incredible. The air was charged. EB was wearing a pair of camouflage trousers and a sports coat made of something rough. I thought he had silver hair, but up close I could see it was kind of a flat color, a color I like a lot more than silver. His eyelids were dark and puffy because the department heads had tired him out, but the eyes themselves were a rare intense shade of brown, like two clean coins shining. EB was walking toward the classroom with Heidberg, the university department head, who was running off at the mouth about his favorite subject - himself. Heidberg was saying, "you might have heard of me. I had an essay on art and analysis in last month´s Kulturfront", and EB said, "If you´ve been published in Kulturfront, then no, I havn´t heard of you". Ha-ha, EB is so blunt, so matter-of-fact, so uninterested in playing games. He wouldn´t be caught dead reading Kulturfront.

I tried to catch his eyes in the hallway. I wanted to let him know that everyone knows what an asshole Heidberg is, but then Professor Nobody came up and started yapping at me about my overdue essay, and EB was herded into an office. I can´t imagine what´s keeping him now. IF I know EB, he´s fed up with the Litteratur Department; he´s not going to jump through any more of their hoops. Where could he be ? I´ll wait here for a few more minuttes, and if he doesn´t show, then I´ll head over to the Pavillion of Thought at Humboldt. The suspense is killing me.

12:09, The Pavillion of Thought was empty when I arrived. The show was over. I was on my way back to the hotel when I ran into Siri taking shots at people with her videocamera. Siri started in about the EB reading. She said, "Where were you ? My God, you missed it. I don´t believe you". Sometimes Siri takes a very cocky, very inside attitude that infuriates me. She lies a lot, too. Sometimes I don´t even think she realizes she´s lying. She took this superior attitude and told me that just before tonights reading EB approached her, bummed a cigarette, and passed some time with her.

Right, Siri.

She said that EB said he´d remembered her from the master´s class and that he´d like to read her work someday.

Right, Siri.

Then she told me that he read a chapterlike passage from a new work in progress, and I covered my ears because whatever it is, I don´t want to hear it from Siri. She is an abysmal storyteller and I don´t want EB´s work chewed by her translation. She said she had the lecture on videotape but that no tape could capture the intensity of the reading. She said I can watch the tape but I probably won´t be able to understand it, not having been there in person.

This attitude of hers really makes me sick. I might not be able to understand Einstein Bee ? Me ? This is very ironic, especially comming from Siri, who had never even heard of EB before I loaned her my copy of Bee Bee last semester. I might not be able to understand it ?

So I said, "Siri, EB is my writer, and I think I could understand him if he was speaking Egyptian". And she said, "I didn´t realize you owned any writers, Anastasia. Are there any others in your stable ?". Stable is a familiar word to Siri. Before I turned her on to EB, she was wearing fucking skirts in class, arranging her hair into a French braid, and drawing horse profiles in the margins of her notebook. Before I turned her over to EB, Siri´s writing consisted of florid little sentences and then, overnight she started writing like EB and going out of her way to mention his name in class. Then in critique she trashed my story, saying that my writing is obviously based on EB, so I said, "Maybe Einstein is writing like me", and she said ( in front of the whole class ), she said, "And where excately would EB have read any of your work ?" She´s so full of herself since she had that story published in Der Spiegel. Who the hell reads Der Spiegel ?

Siri is so transparent. I´m sure if EB did talk to her he only did it in order to get a feel for the stupidity of his audience. She told me she´d invited him out for a postlecture drink, but he´d said he needed to get right back to Köln because his wife was expecting a baby. EB was lying, giving her the shake. I know, because Knut Polartic told me that he saw EB´s wife, Julia Bee, at a restaurent in Köln two months ago, and Knut told me that it looked like Julia had lost weight. Lost weight!!! How pregnant can she be ??!! Knut also told me that EB and Julia are filing for divorce and living in seperate apartements, so I highly doubt she´s pregnant!! EB was just throwing up a smoke screen to protect himself from Siri. I know this for a fact because directly after talking to Siri I called The Adlon from Humboldt and asked them if St.Oiber had checked out. I had them connect me to Room 822. When EB answered, I hung up. I didn´t want to introduce myself over the phone, so I politely hung up.

Later, I knock on EB´s door, room 822. I can hear the television very ironically tuned to the Hours of Prayer, so I know he´s in there. I knock a little harder and am embarrassed when, after my fifth round - and I´m really pounding away - I hear the toilet flush. I hate it when that happens, I really do. I take a step back and compose myself and look down at he carpet, and someone answers the door but it´s not EB. It´s Siri grinning like a carved pumpkin. And the worst part, the most revolting part of it all, is that she doesn´t seem the least bit surprised to see me.